The reality is that very few of our loved ones will make it through addiction without huge costs. Some of them won't survive, and some of us won't survive to see them come through. I decided to be a conversation starter and storyteller. I'm doing my small part in lifting the veil of guilt and shame that often surrounds mental illness and addiction. Knowing you are not alone is often the first step to recovery.
Letting go of a battle that wasn't mine to win or lose has been my greatest challenge in all of this. I decided to give myself a motto:
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...what I cannot control, will not control me.
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Travel, An Exercise in Self-Control
Travel, An Exercise in Self-Control
Judy Tomczak | March 2025
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My husband and I are not big travellers at all. We are home bodies and stick pretty much close to home and we’re okay with that. I had to think hard about how long it had been since we had been on a plane together when recently we took a journey to the province of British Columbia. Neither of us had ever been there before and with a work opportunity there for me, Ron decided to join me. We extended our stay over the weekend and planned a visit with friends who live there. We were excited for the journey especially knowing it would be a break from the freezing temperatures of Eastern Canada. We were excited for the adventure of a new experience.
The self-control part began before we even left our home. Luggage!
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Broken Joy
I have a rule…no Christmas decorations before December 1st. I’m not a scrooge, I just want distance between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I want and need a little snow to feel festive. But in early November this year, I was visiting my daughter in Ontario and she and my grandson wanted to decorate for Christmas. Little Brady was so excited all day and just couldn’t understand that we had to wait for Amazon to deliver the hooks for the new Christmas ornaments that mommy bought. He asked as all excited 5-year-olds do, over and over, when the package was coming? Countless times he made her check her phone for delivery status updates. Exasperated he sighed and asked one more time… “mommy when are the hookers coming?”…. Hilarious right?! That was funny! The hooks, not the hookers finally arrived, and we began the process of decorating the tree. His joy made me want to decorate my home as soon as I returned … before my December 1st rule.
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Sometimes, Someday Comes
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“Someday, she will thank you” the woman said to me as I sat there beside her waiting for our interview to begin. It was one of the first times I had gone public with my story, and I was extremely nervous. It was a live podcast hosted by the local newspaper. The subject matter was addiction and mental health. This would be the first time, she (my daughter) might hear what I had to say, my daughter and her partner might hear it, and I was terrified. Not scared of the countless strangers listening but scared of the two who hated me most. Invited to participate in the podcast were local experts working in the field and then me, just a mom who’d walked the journey of having a loved one fighting this battle and feeling helpless to fix it.
God in the Suffering
Recently, my husband and I skipped church. Not entirely, we skipped our own church so we could watch a church service being held three provinces away. We could have watched it at a later time, but we wanted to watch it live because our youngest daughter was being baptised and watching it live made us feel like we were there, in the moment with her. This is one of the many perks that have come out of COVID…church on-line, anywhere, any time and of course online shopping (sometimes not a positive), grocery pick up and delivery…I could go on.
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So, there we sat in our comfy cozy clothes with our Golden Retriever cuddled between us and a box of Kleenex in front of us, because we knew tears would be shed.
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While I Was Angry
The single mom sat with her mother and two little girls in a McDonalds. She wasn’t supposed to be there. This wasn’t where she wanted to be. She had just accomplished the bravest, scariest thing she had ever done and was exhausted. She bought a house. A modest semi-detached home a couple of doors down from a friend’s house. It was equally exciting and scary. Up until this moment she hadn’t even paid a bill on her own but buying was cheaper than renting. In a couple of months, she and her two little girls would be starting a whole new journey together. That, in and of itself was terrifying and overwhelming. Single parenting wasn’t something she ever saw herself doing.
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Why a Child?
Like a storm, addiction entered our home. Its path of destruction was felt by all. We rebuilt and it returned over and over again. Sometimes we saw it coming and sometimes, we did not. I had seen this storm before in the life of my first husband, the father of my children. On top of the pile of infidelity, broken trust, broken promises, lies and abuse lay the love that I once felt for him. It destroyed our marriage.
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When addiction took root in the life of my child it took on a whole new kind of pain. The pile of broken trust, broken promises and abuse though similar in many ways, the love I felt for her wouldn’t die, could never die, because she is my child.
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The Little Things
The Little Things
Judy Tomczak | October 2023
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This past Monday was Thanksgiving and though it was only the two of us (3 if you count the dog) I felt incredibly thankful. We had turkey and our favorite side dishes and it was delicious. We even shared a few bites with the dog. No, not from the table because, well, that’s not allowed. He waited patiently until we were done, and then he was given a few bites in his bowl. Before you applaud me for teaching my dog good manners, you should know he sleeps on the bed and is allowed on the couch.
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We counted 15 overnight guests which included a friend’s Golden Retriever for our first summer here on the beautiful Prince Edward Island. Each visit gave us new cherished memories. Each had their own wish list of things to see and eat during their stay. We tried to do something new with each guest. Something new to us and to them so they could be a part of our journey in exploring this island.
It was fitting that our first visitor was our youngest daughter and our oldest daughter was our last. Both of them, brought uncertainty with them as they both had health issues before coming which meant up until the last minute we didn’t know if they would be able to make the trip.
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Me, Brave?
Me, Brave?
Judy Tomczak | August 2023
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It’s been a crazy, busy summer of visitors here on the island of PEI. Our first summer here and we have had family and friends come and stay with us, who have never stayed with us before. Its been so fun having each one of them and making memories that will last a lifetime. Most of them arrived here by plane, one by car and then there was a special arrival that really impacted me in a unique way.
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There are two Judy Shepherd’s in our family. I always thought that it was cool to have an aunt with my same name. She’s a pretty cool aunt too, often doing things that I consider, brave. When she (who is now a senior) pulled up in our driveway this summer on her Spyder with her friend, I was blown away. For those of you who don’t know what a Spyder is…I’m not talking about the 8-legged kind, though that would be cool too, but not welcome, I’m talking about a motorcycle with 3 wheels.
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What's With All the Yelling?
What's With All the Yelling
Judy Tomczak | June 2023
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What I’m about to tell you might change your opinion of me. Here it goes…I love reality tv. Not all reality tv because I do have my limits, but I have my favorites that I watch on the regular, “90 Day Fiancé”, “Married at First Sight”, “Amazing Race”, “Survivor”, just to name a view. Hey, my relationship with my husband started with reality tv. No, we didn’t meet on reality tv but when we first started dating, we were strictly friends, not looking for a relationship. We did have a mutual love for the show “Survivor”, so we got together every Thursday night to watch it. Obviously, friendship grew to love because we are very happily married today but it started as two friends enjoying their favorite show together.
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Never, Always, Everything
Never, Always, Everything
Judy Tomczak | May 2023
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Those are words that I try hard to avoid. It may seem like I’m not a good listener to those who are speaking to me, but I am listening to every word. I have a head full of squirrels who take pieces of what you say and go off in other directions. It SOMETIMES seems like I’m not listening. I am aware of this and I’m working on it. I don’t ALWAYS get it right, but I don’t ALWAYS get it wrong. It would not be a fair statement to say that I NEVER listen. Okay, you get where I am going here.
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The word I have the most difficulty with is the word Everything, especially when it is followed by the words…happens for a reason.
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Heritage Pride
Heritage Pride
Judy Tomczak | April 2023
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The children were lined up in a row and their father stood before them with a shotgun in his hand. “You will all be dead by morning”, he said. I don’t know where the mother was but from what I’ve heard she was not much help in this situation. Standing in the line of children that evening was my grandmother and this is where I come from.
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He Blew Bubbles!!!
He Blew Bubbles!!!
Judy Tomczak | April 2023
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When I heard my daughter Melissa’s voice on the other end of the phone, my first reaction was “oh no”. I could hear her voice crack and the excitement in her tone and I immediately thought…what happened!?
I couldn’t have been more wrong in my assumption.
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Her 4-year-old son, my youngest grandson, had just attended his first swimming lesson. She was overcome with emotion and couldn’t wait to tell me how well he had done. From her viewpoint she could see him following all the directions the teacher gave, she saw him be the first to try everything. She heard other parents say, “look at that boy, he is so brave”. He wasn’t doing triple flips into the pool or winning any races, basically all he did was blow bubbles and dunk his head underwater trusting the instruction the teacher gave him. That’s all it took for his mom to burst with pride. But that’s not his whole story.
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Surrender
Surrender
Judy Tomczak | March 2023
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When my body hit the floor, I knew instantly that I had done something terrible to myself. Seriously, did this just happened? There I lay helpless and alone, limited by my sudden and unexpected brokenness.
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When I think of that day I think of a single word “surrender”. I didn’t plan it but it happened just as most of life does. There was no “undo”, “mulligan” or “do over”. This was not a bad dream I could wake up from….this happened and now I had to deal with it.
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Grief Without Closure
Grief Without Closure
Judy Tomczak | February 13 2023
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When she confused my brother and sister with her own, I thought it was funny. It was kind of cute and one of many things that she now gets confused. But when I looked into her eyes for the first time and saw that blank look coming back at me, her youngest child, it broke my heart. She doesn’t know who I am. I saw it in her eyes. It was the first time, I felt the grief of losing my mom. Her diagnosis came several years after we knew there was something wrong. She is still with us, but dementia has taken her, in many ways, from us.
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The Jesus Doors
The Jesus Doors
Judy Tomczak | June 13, 2016
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In the summer of 2015, our church decided to host a food truck event. We began in mid-summer and with our ideal location just off the 403 highway at Exit 36 in Brantford, Ontario we were an instant hit. In fact, it was such a success we extended the event to run every Thursday night from May to September for the following two years. This was a significant undertaking and my husband was assigned the task of organizing it. A huge commitment but with huge rewards.
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It raised funds for the children and youth programs but that was not its main purpose. Gone was the annual church family picnic and in its place were the food trucks, an event which welcomed the surrounding community. From 5 – 8 each Thursday night we invited our neighbours to dinner. This took many volunteers whose main focus was to make everyone who came feel at home. From setting up tables, emptying garbage cans, taking care of the children’s games and most importantly sharing a smile, a welcoming “how is your food” and “where are you from”?
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Beauty for Ashes
Beauty for Ashes
Judy Tomczak - April 2015
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It wasn’t without cost, doubt or questions in my mind like “should I, “why”, and “what if”, before I shared my story at the "Jesus is Enough" Conference in 2015. At 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning I stood at the microphone and began the story, I believed, God wanted me to tell within the 45 minutes that I was allotted. My story, my faith journey through my daughter’s battle with addiction.
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The guilt, shame and fear that a mother feels while watching her child fight this battle is more than anyone can bear alone. It is my story of letting go of what I had no power to change and then God, changed me.
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I Don't Look Like My Photo
I Don't Look Like My Photo
Judy Tomczak - January 2023
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When we decided to publish my book “When the Light at the End of the Tunnel is Another Train” which was my journaling through a very difficult time in my life, we didn’t have big goals for it. Being vulnerable and transparent was worth it if we helped even just one mom or family. Knowing you aren’t alone is the best gift you can give someone in dark times.
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I was shocked the first time someone asked me to sign my book…wait…what? I’m just a mom sharing her journey in the hopes of helping others. When I was asked to do a book signing, I had to really think about it. A book signing? That’s not what this was about. It was about helping others but then I thought maybe this is what you do when you write a book and part of the deal. Maybe showing up to meet people in person was helping. A lady approached the table with my book in hand, and I anticipated all the things that she might be wanting to say to me, or ask. I could see the look on her face that said, she wanted to say something, but I could never have anticipated what she actually said. It is seared in my brain forever. She said…wait for it…
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What If?
What If?
Judy Tomczak - May 2011
I took my seat in the crowded, stuffy gymnasium for the high school athletic awards evening. I was my husband’s plus one and not there for the food or the awards but for the keynote speaker, an Olympic gold medalist. I couldn’t wait to hear her story and journey of how she ended up at the top of the podium.
I am a huge fan of the Olympic athlete and all the dedication and effort it takes to be one. I always love to hear the bios of the athletes during the airing of the games. Well, to say I am a fan is putting it mildly. When the summer or winter games begin, my husband bids me farewell and says, “I will see you in two weeks”. He knows I will be glued to the tv night and day watching the various events, athlete stories, and underdog victories. During these two weeks, I watch sports I would never watch during the rest of the year. I’m fascinated by what it takes to get there, the drive and determination, the cost and courage.
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I Have a Friend Who Doesn't Like Christmas
I Have a Friend Who Doesn't Like Christmas
I vividly remember the year I lost my Christmas Spirit. I never lost the true meaning of Christmas but the festivities, I grew to hate. The very day our painful journey began was on a Christmas night after the festivities of the day. One decision changed our family’s lives for many years to come. Christmas, for years to follow brought a reminder of this one event. Its uncertainty, the sense of loss, the chaos, the conflict it brought amongst our family members, all of these things changed how I once felt.
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Christmas Refund
Christmas Refund
Dec 29, 2017 - I wrote this in 2017 before COVID, Lockdowns and Social Isolation.
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It was a rough year, 2017. Life has always been full of twists and turns but for approximately 20 years, my job was secure. The one steadfast thing I could count on but 2017 would hold the news of our organization closing its doors. First, there was denial and hope that perhaps this was all just talk and it would go away, but it didn't. Then there was the anger. I mean talk about bad timing. I'm 55 and oh so close to those retirement years, who would hire me now? How could they do this to us after this many years? Feelings of betrayal and abandonment crept in.
Then for some reason it seemed like a good time for me to break my arm. An innocent shopping trip ended up in a “slip and fall” and my first ambulance ride to emergency. I broke my humerus in four places…not very humorous at all.
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It's Not FAIR!!!
It’s not fair! Life’s not fair, get over it!!!
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I’m not proud of it but this is a conversation that I had with my girls often. Children as it seems, are obsessed with fairness. She got the biggest, it’s my turn, she went first last time, it’s my choice this time, I wanted that first….on and on and on it goes. “It’s not fair” was their cry, and my response “life’s not fair, get over it.” Probably not the best mommy response but it’s all I had at the time.
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It wasn’t fair that I was all they had. They never got what they needed from me, they got what was left over at the end of each and every exhausting day. The life of a single parent. Yet, they were my world. They were the reason, I kept going.
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Jesus Take the Wheel!
We stopped every 4 hours and had two overnight stays, one in Cornwall, Ontario, and the other in New Brunswick. We didn’t know how our puppy would be on the journey but he was a rockstar. It’s hard for me to even wrap my head around the fact that this animal is in my life, let alone the fact that I drove with him, by choice. I need him. He is my support animal and I love him so much. God, I know, created him just for me. My diagnosis was PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A diagnosis, I thought, was only for those who fought in battle, but that is exactly what we have been doing for so very long, fighting a battle that wasn’t ours to win or lose and now with hands on the wheel, I could hear Carrie Underwood’s song loudly in my head.
Jesus take the wheel!
I’ve done everything I can, my heart broken, my body exhausted and now, it can only be You.
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